no title necessary

suddenly i'm looking at life as this temporary thing. part of me has to look at it this way, because i need to stop thinking about what you missed out on in the past 8 months, and what you will not experience in this life. deep down, i understand that you are being given back all that you missed and more- infinitely more- and it's so huge that there are no words and no images for it. but i cannot even fathom your new life and so it is hard to remember that you have one - i'm human, and being human and earth-bound and stuck in the now is all i really know.

but you're somewhere else, somewhere better, and you're better off. it's the truth. these past 8 months, i have seen you go through a lot, and now it's your turn to be perfectly happy and perfectly comfortable and perfectly... free. i miss you so much. i am still half in shock and keep wondering whether maybe you're just away on vacation. i don't think i'm capable yet of acknowledging the finality of all of this. it's better that way, though- denial helps.

i don't want to cry for you. i want to sing for you. i want to laugh for you. it's so weird- i've never felt this before, but even as i want to cry for my loss, i am happy for you. how am i feeling both of those things at once?

please watch over me if you can. i love you.