who i am is who i want to be

zilhaj 6th. here in mecca, life takes on a routine all its own. it is evening. the azaan is drifting in from a dozen minarets. people on the next roof are doing their namaz. the smell of roasted nuts reaches me through the window and i feel suddenly elated, knowing that kaba is here. i am here. it is my city in the most fundamental of ways; the rules by which i live my life originated here. here i am home, here i do not pray kasr. miles from my apartment in chicago, miles from all my worldly goods, i have come here to find that i am not a traveler. i am home.

i have today made a niyat. a strong niyat. to stop philosophizing about change and to actually accomplish some. to be the person i want to be, to have the kind of afzal hajj that comes from trying hard and dedicating myself to living up to the responsibility of having performed these significant actions.

right now, i would not take back spraining my ankle. even though it colors every experience i have in mecca, even though many times i just feel angry that i have to work twice as hard to keep up with everyone, i wouldn't take back the injury. constantly striving to be the person i want to be, i suddenly feel much closer to being that. i feel strong and almost as though this ankle issue came along to show me what i can do.

surprisingly, i feel shukr. among all the muslims of the world, i am bohra. i not only have glimpsed what i can be, but also what i am.