sakina?

i had a dream two nights ago that sakina was still alive. that she had pulled through and was recovering and had almost regained all of her strength from last year's ordeal. it seemed so real.

we were all together, all the kids- in someone's house, as usual. and she had on these crazy white sneakers with very high soles, and we girls asked her about them. her reply was that they were the newest fashion and of course we took her word as fact, since her sense of fashion was always one that we all trusted. and admired. she looked just like herself, just a bit thinner. and i remember feeling so overwhelmed and grateful that she was okay, and shuddered to think what it would have been like if she wasn't still there, still with us.

and then, of course, i woke up. damn reality. sometimes when i think of her i still really, really miss her and mislead myself into believing that if i try very hard, i can change things and bring her back. which of course is stupid. but, though it seems nonsensical, i feel sometimes that if i just accept the reality of it all, then i'm sort of giving up. even worse, that if i am not still constantly mourning her- if at times i think about her and actually smile instead of burst into tears like i used to- it is a betrayal of some kind.

is it?