always

we got our proofs back from the photographer- now comes the fun part, looking through them together and choosing the keepers, choosing sizes and designating black-and-white and color and even sepia...

the wedding was only a couple of weeks ago but suddenly, with these pictures in my hands, i feel like it's a part of my history already. right now, right this second, i could easily put the makeup back on, put the outfits back on, put my hair up and look just like i do in those pictures. but in ten years, twenty, fifty... there will be a point when i look at those pictures and that girl, that moment in time, that present, will be irrevocably past. it's difficult to imagine life in fifty years; i only know a few things for sure.

my parents and brother will always be such a part of my blood and bones and mind that i give up trying to tell them what they mean to me and fool myself into believing that "i love you" says it all; the ohio st exit on interstate 90, heading towards the city, will always cause a fresh pang of loss bulleting into my chest; the sight of the skyline and the sound of tracey chapman will always give me a renewed sense of inspiration - not to mention a sense of pride in the entire human race; drifting off at night, lazily watching taher sleeping next to me will always make me feel like i am this very lucky person who figured out the secret to life.

i know that as the days pass i will gather more "always". i look forward to the unknowns in life, but it is a comfort to me that i have familiar markers alongside the mysteries- when i look back fifty years from now, it will be these that i will use to tell my story. it will be these that i use to tell my story along the way, as well. stay tuned :)

settling in...

so it's been a couple of weeks and life is slowly starting to acquire a routine again, albeit a totally different one than either of us knew before...

so far, it's definitely been a lesson in compromise and space and all of that, but it is also exactly what i expected: a LOT of fun :) i still feel, in some ways, like we are playing house or something- buying groceries, organizing our apartment, washing dishes- it all feels a bit surreal. i still can't believe the wedding is actually over, the planning is over, and our new life is beginning. has already begun. i still can't believe there are boxers in my laundry basket- how weird! but laundry issues nothwithstanding, i'm having the time of my life. and here i thought college was the peak of young experience!

i know it's only been two weeks, but i really don't want this experience to fly by- i just want to try to appreciate this unique, special situation as much as possible- even several years from now, i want to be just as amazed as i am now that i get to be with my best friend all the time. that i get to live with him! and build a life with him! how lucky!

i guess during the wedding my thoughts turned to sakina a lot- i noticed her absence at this event and wasn't sure how selfish to be- feel sorry for myself? feel happy for her? she was my cousin, she was like my sister, she was one of my closest friends, and now i find her becoming part of my personal philosophy. it's natural that i still think about her everyday- her death affected my entire world last summer. i think it will continue to affect me for a long time. but lately when i think of her i am moved to let the colors shine more brightly and the experiences be more intense- and stop mourning. because, it seems to me, i'd rather smile when i remember her.

i feel celebratory- i feel happy. i feel married :)