dinner at leona's

i had this friend. we met in college. i told her once, as we were doing our hair in her bathroom and having a conversation in the mirror, that i knew her face almost better than i knew my own. it wasn't a compliment- it was just a fact.

then, of course, some drama entered the friendship and i learned not to depend on her anymore; then i learned not to expect her to depend on me; then i learned to go for days without telling her what was going on with me; and finally i learned to live without her completely. so complete was this, in fact, that it became unclear to me, a year later, why i had ever considered her a sister. at this point, i felt like acquaintances at best. shrug.

and then. life, of course, moved right along and it was the middle of 2003. and i had so much and so many and not one empty space available for anyone new to come and fill; but i did have a bit of resentment that, if i got rid of, might make a little room for her in my life again.

so i threw away that resentment. bit by bit, i just let it go. and i found that getting to know her again, and sliding back into the comfort zone, was actually very gratifying. of course, it was not as it was, but then, i didn't really want that. needs change.

but what did she write me once on a birthday card? that line from one of leonard's songs, "i know my love goes with you as your love stays with me... just the way it changes like the shoreline to the sea..." it wasn't a compliment. it was just a fact.

ground me

i've been thinking too much lately. there are three or four people who i know understand me very well- with whom i can sit down and just start talking, and eventually all of the pent-up pensiveness begins to flow, and actually materializes into good conversation. i look at that experience as touching base, a sort of grounding, a feet-to-earth moment that helps me connect with myself before i get carried away with all of the over-analysis.

all that from simple conversation!

i would like to say that i hate analyzing things but am compelled to do it - but in truth, i love analyzing things. i can't help it- there is so much to learn from every situation that i very rarely wish to just leave it alone. but more than that, i do it most when i'm bored. and boy, am i bored.

well. maybe bored isn't the word. i mean, everyone's life takes on some sort of routine, no matter how exotic or frenzied or glamorous it seems on the surface. even if i lived on the moon, i imagine i'd sleep in basically the same place everyday and go to the same market to buy moon-food or whatever... hello. that's life.

i think it's great that there's a lot going on and we're busy with friends and family and all- that's a good way to spend one's time, with people one loves. but it would be nice if we had more time to spend doing nothing - not the nothing that is a diversion, but the nothing that is appreciative of all the things going on that we're usually making too much noise to hear.

ugh, i don't know what my point is today. i want to CONNECT! i want to sit in the grass and just talk! i want to forego a play or a movie or a party one time, and instead gather in a little group and touch base with some people (and more importantly touch base with myself)! it's been like a million years since i've had the kind of conversation which, just by talking talking talking, you come closer to understanding yourself... i'm going to make a phone call tonight :)

another quote

"there were times when a particular book, like a seed crystal, dropped into our minds when they were exactly ready for it, like a supersaturated solution, and suddenly we changed. suddenly a thousand crystals of perception of our own formed."

this was totally ayn rand for me- "fountainhead" and "atlas shrugged" changed my vision completely at that time. it was amazing, the empowerment i got from those books. i was off and running, i remember i developed my own philosophy because of those books. and began to preach it around enough to inspire people to read those books, too.

of course, i don't know what i'd think if i read them now- maybe i'd find the philosophy obvious or unoriginal. maybe not. i have no idea. but i like remembering how revolutionary i found her words at that time. she gave me experiences i never would have had otherwise, especially as an 8th or 9th grader whose main focus in life was to maneuver the high school scene...

ode to june 17th, 2003

"as a ten-year-old, as a teenager, as an adult, I've always wanted life to be more storylike; I've always reached out for treats, set-ups, situations that can be coaxed by charm and by the right kind of suggestively narrative talk into yielding something like the deliberate richness of an invented scene."

that's exactly what i got that evening.

no comment??

hey, everyone, if you have any comments about anything i write, click on the "no comment" link at the bottom of each post and write something! it'll be fun!

"no light without shadow"

a quote from the book i'm reading now:

"He taught me everything i know about photography, from the choice of a lens to the laborious process of developing. i never had any other teacher. ...now he is seventy-four years old... he is passionate about life, and blindness has not prevented him from continuing to survey the world. he has developed a kind of second sight. the way other blind people have someone to read to them, he has various helpers who observe and report to him. his students, his friends, and his children visit him every day and take turns describing what they've seen: a landscape, a scene, a face, an effect of light. they have to learn to observe very closely in order to endure his exhaustive interrogation. as as result their lives change; they can't any longer wander through the world in their old casual way because they have to see with the maestro's eyes."

it's all linked

this morning, reading the news online, i was paying special attention to any stories regarding these conjoined twins. it's an amazing story- what's also incredible is that the hospital and the doctors have all waived the costs. the cost of this surgery is huge, but it's as though the hospital and the doctors are doing it in the name of science and not for profit. looking at it like that, i began to notice that there are a lot of completely amazing things going on right now- i usually read the news and feel a bit anxious at the downhill trend- reading the news doesn't usually amaze me.

anyway there is so much in the paper today regarding the field of medicine; they have a new gene therapy for muscular dystrophy which can actually prevent muscle degeneration:

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_medical/story.jsp?story=422342

they hope to use stem cells to give paralyzed people a chance to walk again:

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_medical/story.jsp?story=421168

they hope to grow human eggs from skin cells. they are researching womb transplants that can make it possible for a woman to have transplanted within her body the very womb in which she herself developed:

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_medical/story.jsp?story=422088

i can't even imagine. who are these "they" who are doing these incredible things? like the doctors performing this separation surgery on the conjoined twins, they are crusaders, in a way. they are dreaming up seemingly impossible solutions to problems long-believed to be simple and unchanging facts of life. i feel like at some future point in the human story anything that goes wrong will be instantly fixed.

but while i understand that were i to need a womb or stem cell transplant, i would become very interested in the current research, i can't help but feel that it's somewhat freaky, being able to do things like transplanting wombs and things- i know organ transplantation is completely accepted by society today and that at this rate, it will be perfectly ordinary in the near-future to design your children and give your uterus to your infertile granddaughter. but i am still shocked.

human beings are more than just the sum of their parts, and being able to do these kinds of things seems irreverant to me. would i sing a different tune if i needed something like this? yeah, probably. but then my opinion would be totally subjective and i would grab at anything that would solve my problem, like any other human being. but without any personal interest in the goings-on, my perspective is as objective as it is going to get. and i'm disturbed as much as i'm awed by how much power we humans seem to be gaining over nature/fate/life. i'm not taking an extreme position here- i'm not even sure i'm taking a position at all, but the way medicine is going, the mystery of life is all but solved.

for Mr. Gorgeous Smile

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
july 3rd, 1981 is one of my favorite days ever,
happy birthday to you!

*grin* i hope you have the best birthday ever (best birthday *yet*).

eyes burning with truth oil

today is one of those days i feel like anything is possible. i feel like inspiration is tangible and i have a whole bag of it. i love it when this feeling hits- usually triggered by something small. like today, i'm reading a new book (it's exactly what i needed- something epic and moving)- anyway, more later. i'll collect quotes from this or something and post them. it'll be good!