Magic in the water, magic in the sky

Last night the 8 of us visited the Bioluminescent Bay here in Vieques, an island off the coast of Puerto Rico. (Our annual WP trip with Farida and Husain). 

Our guide met us on the boardwalk where we were scarfing down french fries and staring at the Caribbean Sea. We piled into his van and turned onto a bumpy dirt road. Eventually we stopped at a gap in the mongrove trees, put on life vests and discarded our shoes, and squelched through the mud to the kayaks. We boarded - 2 people per kayak. 

At this point we were giddy with excitement. Barefoot in the mud, we felt some creatures walking over our feet. We were told they were female violin crabs who were here to lay their eggs. (Upon finding out they were crabs, we obviously did the requisite squealing and screaming.)

We then rowed out into the bay. The night was perfectly quiet and still. The only movement came from our paddles. We glided through the water in a group and marveled at the warmth of the water.

The guide explained to us that the glow we were about to experience was caused by plankton which, when agitated, initiated a defense mechanism that causes their bodies to shine from within. 

And then the glow began to surround us. As we splashed our hands in the water, they glowed. The glass bottoms of the kayaks glowed. The stars on this clear night- they twinkled, they glowed. 

We couldn't decide whether to gaze above us at the bedazzled sky or below us at the stars in the water. It was glorious and exciting and relaxing and serene at the same time. 

I found myself exclaiming happily; I found myself contemplating our place among the stars. It was joyous; it was calm. 

As we scooped water in our hands and let it trickle down our forearms, our arms became covered in sparkling light. 

Thank you, plankton. You made that night one of the most magical of my life. 

Alhamdolillah. 

Moving and Settling In

So it's been about 10 days since we moved into the new house. We moved last Thursday, and spent about 4 days turbo-unpacking so that by the end of the weekend, we had unpacked every box. Then the next week was spent arranging and organizing and even decorating.

So now I can comfortably say that we are almost done.

As T mentioned in his blog post, everything still feels very new. A few months ago, when the house was still being built and all around us were plywood walls and concrete floors, we had our "light switch walk through"- we told the builder where we wanted the light switches to go and what we wanted them to operate. At that time, I couldn't have imagined how the house would turn out. As I look around at the now-finished home, with everything we chose over all those months actually installed in the house, I am still taken aback at the fact that it's actually done. 

Everywhere I look, I see the items T and I chose together. The aspects, the features, the placements, the finishes, the very walls, the floorplan, the whole thing. And we had so much fun doing it- and even that fun is part of the house now. The experience, the teamwork, the discussions, the decisions, the delights, the disappointments, the deadlines, the shopping trips, and most of all, the fun- all of that is part of the house. And now we finally get to live here, and I can only say alhamdolillah for that.

I still don't quite know what switches operate what. I flip the wrong ones all the time. I am not on autopilot yet in this house. It feels like home, but it feels unfamiliar still. We aren't taking things for granted yet- we are not blindly walking a path from bed to bath or from kitchen to stairs or from mudroom to kitchen- these paths, inshallah, will become traversed thousands and thousands of times as we age in this house. But today, at this moment, it is all still so new. I still haven't sat on every seat in the house. I still haven't stood in every spot. I still haven't cleaned every crevice, haha!

The newness, once lost, will be lost forever. It will be replaced by familiarity, which is lovely and comfortable and will truly let us know we are home. And I welcome that. But for now, I want to savor the newness.

Alhamdolillah.

Mr. R comes to masjid

This past week, our jamaat lost some of its very valued members. The repeated hits have taken a toll on the psyche of the jamaat. Yet today, even as the rain fell upon this grey day, the sun shone brightly inside the masjid. 

We experienced a momentous and uplifting afternoon, for the man who saved so many of our mumineen visited the masjid. Our jamaat invited him to come and visit as our honored guest.

He brought his family with him, and from the moment they walked through the door, we made it our priority to make him and his family feel welcome and to try to impart to them how meaningful his actions were to our jamaat.

If not for Mr. Mike R, we would have lost 9 mumineen instead of 1. It is unthinkable. 

And it is deeply spiritually satisfying to think that Allah put the right person in the right place at the right time. Alhamdolillah.

I was asked to be a liason between the members of Mike's family and our jamaat. It was my honor and pleasure to be able to show them around, make them comfortable, explain our customs, get to know them. 

The family Mike saved was introduced to him. Many hugs ensued. Emotions were running high at this point- so many people had tears in their eyes. And before my own, bridges were being built. It was truly a beautiful moment amidst the tragedy of the past week.

My dad delivered a small speech to Mike. Mike took the mic and said a few words too. The jamaat then presented Mike with a shawl. When I explained the significance of the shawl to Mike's wife, she looked as touched as I felt.

Hundreds of people made their way over to Mike and his family to shake their hands and say thank you. Mike, you could tell, was overwhelmed with the outpouring. But as I told him and his family, we are all one. You save 8 of us, and you have 800 more who want to embrace you as their brother. In a way, he saved all of us - with his selflessness and his bravery, he gave us something to praise, to wonder at. To raise up and to gain strength from.

We took Mike and his family down to eat. They ate the kheemo and the daal chawal and we talked about the thaali and college and our customs and parenting and... well... life.

There was just love, love, love. Sadness, support, taziyat, dua, and love, love, love. Alhamdolillah. That's all it takes.

Post Ashara 1437

We just got back from Houston Ashara 1437.

Still reeling. Processing my feelings. Trying to absorb this incredible experience.

Hectic, chaotic, exhausting, amazing, beautiful.

We stayed with friends who are like dear family. And my parents stayed with us for a few days too.

I got to attend waaz daily with someone who is my dear bhen. We got deedar. We got qadmbosi. We got nazar. I attended my R2S meetings and there I got to connect with new people and old friends - all wonderful people. We went to a ziyafat where such intense and surreal and beautiful things happened that I haven't yet been able to journal about them.

And the waaz. The daily, incredibly rich, metaphor-filled, enlightening, reassuring, encouraging waaz, which charged our batteries and renewed our strength and readied us for the year ahead. The best new year's resolution one can make at the beginning of moharram, the first month of the year, is to spend the following first month of the new year exactly the same way. Letting these waaz envelop us.

We are lucky, blessed. Alhamdolillah.

I think the feeling of renewal and recharging has trickled into other aspects of my life too. I am noticing that as I read, I am picking out gems the way I used to, writing them down- I haven't done this for years, since I had kids and my leisure time diminished. I still read constantly, but I don't have the luxury anymore of easily transcribing the gems into my journal or this blog.

But let me try to get back into that.

I am reading "The Little Paris Bookshop" at the moment. Two gems I came across so far:

"Some stars had seen the dinosaurs and the Neanderthals; they had seen the pyramids rise and Columbus discover America. For them, the earth was one more island world in the immeasurable ocean of outer space, its inhabitants microscopically small."

"Perdu suspected that these small children, listening with eyes wide and in rapt concentration, would one day grow up to need reading, with its accompanying sense of wonder and the feeling of having a film running inside your head, as much as they needed air to breathe."

Eid!

Today was Eid. One of my very favorite days of the year.

I have been reading people's reflections as Sherullah draws to a close. People are thinking about what they want to carry forward from Ramazaan, what they want to retain. How they've done. Their resolutions, their wins, their shortcomings. 

While I am certainly also thinking about what the past month has meant to me, today I am fully in the present. I am no longer in the routine of the past 30 days. Masjid every night. Rozu every day. Nocturnal schedules, focused ibadat, dehydration headaches, so much Quran, so much satisfaction, so much striving.

I am also not yet in the post-Ramazan days. Withdrawal from the schedule has not yet set in, I have not yet figured out how the past month will affect my next months- spiritually, mentally. I have not yet reestablished a "normal" schedule. I have not yet slept a full night. 

Instead, I am only in the now. The one day, Eid, that is suspended between Ramazan and post-Ramazan. The day we celebrate. The day my community members - the people I have known since infancy - are so, so happy. So dressed up. Exchanging greetings and gifts and laughs with abandon.

I love Eid. I feel love and I feel loved. And whatever happens tomorrow, today is a remarkable day. A magical day. A day out of time, in which I don't have to reflect upon yesterday or decide about tomorrow. 

Side note- Eid 2015 was red-letter for Yusuf. He has been coveting the Xbox One that has sat on the raffle table for the past month, walking by it daily and telling me, "I hope we win that!" I knew that the chances of winning the one thing he wanted were slim, so all month, I have told him, "Yes, that would be cool! But if we don't win, it's ok! Alhamdolillah, right?" And he has dutifully answered, "Yes, alhamdolillah."

Today. The raffle began. They announced some prizes and winners. And then they announced the Xbox and Yusuf looked at me with hope in his eyes. I love that boy and his optimism :) But then. They called my name. I was in disbelief- there was no way this could work out this beautifully. But it was true, and Yusuf was cheering excitedly to prove it. I won the Xbox, and Yusuf got what he had been clearly doing the right kind of dua for all month :)

I am proud of my kids. They participated in the Quran competition and did beautifully. They were so comfortable on stage- they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Nooriya loved being up there. Yusuf was at ease.

All month, they have worked hard at hifzing. They have stretched themselves and they have achieved so much.

I learned from them this month. I decided to not only host family Eid dinner at our house, but to cook for it as well. I don't like to cook, and I don't hide that fact. But it occurred to me - I needed to stretch myself as well. I haven't cooked for my extended family in longer than I can remember. So I cooked. Yesterday and today, I cooked. I took a page from Yusuf and Nooriya's book and I tried something new. 

And my sasu sasra were happy, and proud, and they told me so. They are used to seeing me do interviews and have literary accomplishments, and they say they are proud, but when I cooked for them, they were truly delighted. And I was proud of myself.

So. On this magical day, Yusuf's wish came true, my enchiladas were delicious, I spent the day surrounded by family and friends, and all I can say is this: may my last word always be

Alhamdolillah.

Touching Base

It has been a while since I blogged. Lots of balls in the air :)

The new house is coming along well. Alhamdolillah. We had another walkthrough last week, and it is very exciting seeing everything framed out. It is becoming so easy to imagine the house being finished, where our furniture will go, what activities we will do where. 

We have had several of our family members come to the house and sign the wooden frame of the house in various rooms. All 4 parents and Yusuf and Nooriya came after Nooriya's ballet recital. Some of the brothers/bhabis/nieces have come, and the rest intend to. 

It's neat, having their signatures and well wishes and funny messages on the walls. When the drywall is up and painted and we live in the home, we will know that right here, inside the wall, this person wrote this, and that person wrote that. 

Built on the foundation of khaki shifa from Karbala, and framed with the love of our family. Alhamdolillah :)

On a different note, I lost a friend on Sunday. She wasn't well for a long time, and her passing wasn't a surprise, but the loss of her has reminded me of how much there is to do shukr for. I am eternally grateful that I got to speak to her on Saturday, the day before she passed. That she heard me and knew I was thinking about her. That her pain is over. 

Onward. We just have to keep spending our days teaching Yusuf and Nooriya to do shukr and to be kind. That's it.

Alhamdolillah.

Moula TUS in LA!

We had an incredible weekend. Deedar, qadmbosi, sharaf for the kids, sharaf for us, reuniting with old friends, spending time with dear ones.
Moula TUS brings us together. 

Later: more on the mini-miracle in the way Nooriya's mysteriously remembering my cell phone number led to not only her qadmbosi, but mine as well. And the green pass that magically appeared when I needed it to.

For now, alhamdolillah barely covers it :)

Morning Routine, Winter 2015

Sometimes I like to write a post about our morning routine, just so I can see how much it has changed.

It represents how much the kids have changed. 

And it reminds me that the changes are good- they may be moving further and further away from chubby babyhood, but that's ok. They are relying on us in different ways than they used to, and they are closer to us in ways that wouldn't have been possible when they were still infants.

So. Nowadays, Nooriya wakes up first, around 6am, and goes potty and brushes her teeth. Then she changes into the clothes that I laid out the night before. Then she goes downstairs and grabs the cereal bowl and spoon and cereal off the counter, and puts them on the table, and then opens the fridge and grabs one of the two cups of milk that are on the lower shelf. She has her breakfast - sometimes early enough where Taher gets to have breakfast with her - and by this time, Yusuf is usually up. He goes through the same potty/teeth/change/breakfast routine that Nooriya just completed.

At this point, I am wide awake but trying to stay in bed until 7am. I usually accomplish this. I then walk out of my room and call Nooriya upstairs so I can brush and braid her hair, and I remind both kids to make their beds. If Nooriya doesn't have her glasses on yet, I remind her to put them on.

While I am getting ready for the day, the kids are either playing together or reading side by side. When I come downstairs and I see them sitting next to each other, noses buried in books, I am reminded of how different life is now. When they were babies, the morning meant crying and milk and diapers and wrangling and juggling - and I rarely got to shower in the morning. 

But alhamdolillah, although we have left the wrangling behind, they are still so cuddly. This morning they don't have school, so they came into my bed and we just hung out for 20 minutes before starting our day. 

Alhamdolillah. Did I say that? Is it even possible to say it enough?

Changing it Up

Farida mentioned to me this morning that the past two months have brought about a lot of changes and transitions in my life. She said, why don't you write about it? Post to your blog! And she was right. 

So. taking a moment here to process the changes whirling around me. In the midst of Sherullah I haven't been reflecting much- I have been doing, going, preparing, helping, caring, fasting, praying... but not much reflecting. It hasn't been a quiet month for me, as it can be for some.

Six weeks ago, we moved from our house into the masjid house, and put our house up for sale. The house that we moved into when I was pregnant with Yusuf - the house in which both Yusuf and Nooriya were babies, took their first steps, spoke their first words, made countless memories with us. I did take a moment to say goodbye to that house, but even as I was doing so, I was looking forward. Stripped of furniture, with new carpet and new paint, ready for sale, the house looks so different. The house is still there, but the home we made within it in not there anymore. 

For now, it's here. Masjid house. New, large, filled with people much of the time- it's our temporary stop on our journey to Home. We moved and unpacked and settled in within a day. One long day. And now we have set up our routines and our habits here, and I am trying not to think about the fact that inshallah, next year, we will do this all again. In the meantime, though, I can only do shukr. For this house and the family support that this house represents. And for the family itself. Alhamdolillah, we are blessed people.

More on this later. Someone is calling Mummy :)

my mom's letter

in september 1978, aqa moula (tus) made his first trip to america, and my parents had the enormous barakat of having utaro at their house.

the first american house into which aqa moula (tus) stepped is the house in which i took my own first steps.

when this historic visit took place, my mom wrote a letter to her parents and family in india, telling them in detail how the visit came about, what it was like to have aqa moula (tus) there, what went on, who was there, etc. she read the letter to me last week and it was suspenseful and thrilling and written in such amazing detail that i was riveted. it is such an important letter, in that she has caputured a part of our family's history as well as a significant moment in the history of dawat.

my family- my parents, brother and i - were lucky enough to have two private ziyafats in the period of time that aqa moula (tus) was in the house, and i received qadam bosi at the age of one month. i know that the happiness i have experienced since then is a result of this barakat.

the letter that my mom wrote is a treasure- without it, i would never have known that as aqa moula (tus) took afternoon chai in the backyard of my house, he asked my mother to bring me over to him, and then had my dad take a video of this. i would never know that aqa moula (tus) gave my mom a taweez that he wrote by hand just for me. the visit was marked by one perfect moment after another, and after reliving these moments through my mom's letter, i am so infinitely thankful for the barakat of that visit.

alhamdolillah.

our crazy august

taher broke his ankle last saturday, and although it's only been 9 days since then, i feel like it's been an eternity. it's been hectic, to say the least. like a headless chicken, i run run run around, trying to meet the needs of nooriya and yusuf and taher. and the house. and somewhere in there i try to remember to eat.

i am just waiting and waiting for taher to be able to walk, so that things can ease up around here a little.

to make things even more interesting, we've had other stuff going on that has taken a lot of our mental energy. and i've been pulled in a few directions as a result.

but all i can say is, alhamdolillah. for so many reasons: the "other stuff" is quickly resolving. i have these family members who really come through when you need them. nooriya was unharmed in the fall. taher gets to be home everyday (working from home isn't ideal for him, but i sure like having him around!). when i think about all that i do have, the extreme fatigue of this past week lifts away a little, and i feel lots and lots of gratitude.

here's to health and happiness and my loved ones, most of all.

nice save

yesterday we were headed out the door for a wedding- yusuf and i were standing by the door with our shoes on and taher was heading down the stairs towards us, with nooriya in his arms- when he tripped and fell down the stairs.

holding nooriya.

and in order to save her, he fell badly and broke his ankle.

and now he can't walk for ten days, and he has a cast, and things will be difficult for a little while.

but alhamdolillah, he saved nooriya- she is FINE - and this is all going to pass.

taher, nice save. i still have to sign your cast!

just what i wanted...

...although it has nothing to do with me.

yusuf and nooriya's surprisingly lovely relationship, that is. sure, yusuf occasionally takes back a toy or a book that he feels nooriya is stealing from him. but even when he does that, he gives her something else to distract her first. which is rather kind and caring, coming from a 2.5-year-old.

when he walks into the room and sees her, he exclaims, "hi nooriya! HI!" and runs towards her. on her end, she lights up, all smiles, legs kicking, trying to aim her rolling in his direction.

when he wakes up from a nap, he wants to see her. her fussing usually stops when he bounds into the room.

i mean, wow. i know they'll have their not-so-lovely moments, but right now i am loving this. a 2 year old boy isn't gentle with anything (many destroyed belongings of yusuf will attest to this), but with nooriya, he knows that he has to be a little more careful.

and my favorite, favorite part- when she is crying, he'll come over and hold her hand. and coo softly. and give her sweet smiles. and my even MORE favorite part? when he does all this, she stops crying.

it's magical. i hope this lasts, in some form, forever.

Nooriya

last monday we welcomed Nooriya into the world. so far, so good- it's nice to be doing this the second time around, and to feel so much more confident about how to care for our newborn. things are just much less drama-filled and we are taking it easy, figuring out nooriya and the way she likes things, and not second-guessing ourselves nearly as much as we did when we first had yusuf.

i guess it's helpful that we have yusuf around as proof that we did a good job the first time around, and can do so again :)

hopefully no colic comes around this time. we are filled with wonder at the way she eats and then sleeps, and only cries for fixable reasons, and seems pretty content most of the time. yusuf is a happy, cheerful toddler, but was a majorly unhappy infant for the first four months of his life.

anyway. family of four. it's amazing :)

order

yusuf just turned 7 weeks old and i feel like my life is finally beginning to return to normal. somewhat. of course, "normal" now means something completely different, in that having a baby has drastically changed our lives and our concept of routine.

for the first few weeks of the baby's life, his schedule - or lack thereof - completely ruled my life. it had to be that way, since i have never been a mother before, and i needed time to adjust, during which my only concern was to take care of the baby. the past two weeks, however, i have begun to understand how to fit other things into my life and how i can accomplish more in a day than simply eating and feeding yusuf.

i look forward to what is ahead, and i remind myself every day to enjoy myself. it hasn't been easy, but it has been joyful. taher and i linger over yusuf's bathtime and sing to him; we exclaim over how long his eyelashes have suddenly become; we work as a team and find that we excel at it. there are many things for which i am thankful, and my family, especially its newest member, tops that list.

the lost weekend

since yusuf was born, taher and i have been staying with my parents. it was a tremendous support to be there during the initial month after his birth, and to be surrounded by extra love and guidance while we became adjusted to our new roles in life.

on friday, we moved home and looked forward to taher having a four-day weekend, during which we thought we could figure out our routine with yusuf at home. we have certainly accomplished that, but what's more we have had one of the most pleasant weekends i have ever experienced.

we have camped out on the couch since saturday, watching the entire first season of Lost and taking care of the baby. it's been lazy and luxurious and entirely relaxed, and i am very sad that taher has to return to work tomorrow and that this lovely four day hiatus must come to an end. as for yusuf, i don't think he followed the Lost plot too well, but i can tell he's sad his dad has to return to work, too.

i have the absolute most fun when i hang out with taher; it's always been a complete unit for me. and now it's even more complete, if that's even possible. into this little family we merrily welcome yusuf.

due date

two weeks ago, taher and i welcomed yusuf into our lives. and hearts. and arms.

life has, of course, changed drastically and this tiny little person has relegated me to a life of feedings, diapers, very small clothing and endless conversations about poop. and i completely love him for it.

i keep looking at him and thinking, wow, it was you who was inside my tummy all that time. growing bigger, kicking me, being the subject of our musings and our anticipation. we waited all this time for someone we couldn't even begin to imagine, and all that time it was you.

i am amazed that he is finally here. it's been hard work thus far, and i'm sure it will continue to be hard, but it is, at the risk of sounding cliche, the most rewarding thing ever.

a blog hijacking for a good cause

Hello! I am Z's big brother A and I would like to share the happy news that yesterday, Z and T became proud parents of a healthy baby boy. Open thread for mubarakbadi!