Eid!

Today was Eid. One of my very favorite days of the year.

I have been reading people's reflections as Sherullah draws to a close. People are thinking about what they want to carry forward from Ramazaan, what they want to retain. How they've done. Their resolutions, their wins, their shortcomings. 

While I am certainly also thinking about what the past month has meant to me, today I am fully in the present. I am no longer in the routine of the past 30 days. Masjid every night. Rozu every day. Nocturnal schedules, focused ibadat, dehydration headaches, so much Quran, so much satisfaction, so much striving.

I am also not yet in the post-Ramazan days. Withdrawal from the schedule has not yet set in, I have not yet figured out how the past month will affect my next months- spiritually, mentally. I have not yet reestablished a "normal" schedule. I have not yet slept a full night. 

Instead, I am only in the now. The one day, Eid, that is suspended between Ramazan and post-Ramazan. The day we celebrate. The day my community members - the people I have known since infancy - are so, so happy. So dressed up. Exchanging greetings and gifts and laughs with abandon.

I love Eid. I feel love and I feel loved. And whatever happens tomorrow, today is a remarkable day. A magical day. A day out of time, in which I don't have to reflect upon yesterday or decide about tomorrow. 

Side note- Eid 2015 was red-letter for Yusuf. He has been coveting the Xbox One that has sat on the raffle table for the past month, walking by it daily and telling me, "I hope we win that!" I knew that the chances of winning the one thing he wanted were slim, so all month, I have told him, "Yes, that would be cool! But if we don't win, it's ok! Alhamdolillah, right?" And he has dutifully answered, "Yes, alhamdolillah."

Today. The raffle began. They announced some prizes and winners. And then they announced the Xbox and Yusuf looked at me with hope in his eyes. I love that boy and his optimism :) But then. They called my name. I was in disbelief- there was no way this could work out this beautifully. But it was true, and Yusuf was cheering excitedly to prove it. I won the Xbox, and Yusuf got what he had been clearly doing the right kind of dua for all month :)

I am proud of my kids. They participated in the Quran competition and did beautifully. They were so comfortable on stage- they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Nooriya loved being up there. Yusuf was at ease.

All month, they have worked hard at hifzing. They have stretched themselves and they have achieved so much.

I learned from them this month. I decided to not only host family Eid dinner at our house, but to cook for it as well. I don't like to cook, and I don't hide that fact. But it occurred to me - I needed to stretch myself as well. I haven't cooked for my extended family in longer than I can remember. So I cooked. Yesterday and today, I cooked. I took a page from Yusuf and Nooriya's book and I tried something new. 

And my sasu sasra were happy, and proud, and they told me so. They are used to seeing me do interviews and have literary accomplishments, and they say they are proud, but when I cooked for them, they were truly delighted. And I was proud of myself.

So. On this magical day, Yusuf's wish came true, my enchiladas were delicious, I spent the day surrounded by family and friends, and all I can say is this: may my last word always be

Alhamdolillah.

Morning Routine, Winter 2015

Sometimes I like to write a post about our morning routine, just so I can see how much it has changed.

It represents how much the kids have changed. 

And it reminds me that the changes are good- they may be moving further and further away from chubby babyhood, but that's ok. They are relying on us in different ways than they used to, and they are closer to us in ways that wouldn't have been possible when they were still infants.

So. Nowadays, Nooriya wakes up first, around 6am, and goes potty and brushes her teeth. Then she changes into the clothes that I laid out the night before. Then she goes downstairs and grabs the cereal bowl and spoon and cereal off the counter, and puts them on the table, and then opens the fridge and grabs one of the two cups of milk that are on the lower shelf. She has her breakfast - sometimes early enough where Taher gets to have breakfast with her - and by this time, Yusuf is usually up. He goes through the same potty/teeth/change/breakfast routine that Nooriya just completed.

At this point, I am wide awake but trying to stay in bed until 7am. I usually accomplish this. I then walk out of my room and call Nooriya upstairs so I can brush and braid her hair, and I remind both kids to make their beds. If Nooriya doesn't have her glasses on yet, I remind her to put them on.

While I am getting ready for the day, the kids are either playing together or reading side by side. When I come downstairs and I see them sitting next to each other, noses buried in books, I am reminded of how different life is now. When they were babies, the morning meant crying and milk and diapers and wrangling and juggling - and I rarely got to shower in the morning. 

But alhamdolillah, although we have left the wrangling behind, they are still so cuddly. This morning they don't have school, so they came into my bed and we just hung out for 20 minutes before starting our day. 

Alhamdolillah. Did I say that? Is it even possible to say it enough?

just what i wanted...

...although it has nothing to do with me.

yusuf and nooriya's surprisingly lovely relationship, that is. sure, yusuf occasionally takes back a toy or a book that he feels nooriya is stealing from him. but even when he does that, he gives her something else to distract her first. which is rather kind and caring, coming from a 2.5-year-old.

when he walks into the room and sees her, he exclaims, "hi nooriya! HI!" and runs towards her. on her end, she lights up, all smiles, legs kicking, trying to aim her rolling in his direction.

when he wakes up from a nap, he wants to see her. her fussing usually stops when he bounds into the room.

i mean, wow. i know they'll have their not-so-lovely moments, but right now i am loving this. a 2 year old boy isn't gentle with anything (many destroyed belongings of yusuf will attest to this), but with nooriya, he knows that he has to be a little more careful.

and my favorite, favorite part- when she is crying, he'll come over and hold her hand. and coo softly. and give her sweet smiles. and my even MORE favorite part? when he does all this, she stops crying.

it's magical. i hope this lasts, in some form, forever.

just another day

my birthday just passed, and it was one of the best ones yet. i spent a lot of time taking stock of what i've accomplished and i'm happy to be where i am. and that's a great feeling.

every year on my birthday, taher asks me what my favorite moment was since my previous birthday. most years, the answer is obvious, and this year was no different. i, along with my very best friend, brought a baby into the world of whom i am immensely proud and with whom i am completely enamored.

not bad.

this year we celebrated my birthday over the course of a few days, at various moments and in various ways. i spent my birthday and the days following it with a lot of different people, and realized i know precisely what it is i want, how to get it, and with whom i want to share it. sometimes life is noisy and i am learning to discern the peace amidst the chaos. i know how i want to feel and who makes me feel that way. i know who will be there for me, who will support me, who will make me feel most like myself. and i think that's very valuable information to have.

the world of women

this past year, several of my friends have become pregnant or had babies. it's been a very festive atmosphere, at least in my opinion, as i have watched my friends' tummies - and mine! - grow larger and adorable, tiny babies appear out of nowhere.

with each baby, we have had a baby shower and a mithi sitabi to celebrate the coming child. we have shown up bearing gifts and well wishes and have worked together to make sure each individual knew that we were happy for her.

the guys, of course, have felt happy for each other as well, but this past sunday, as i attended another baby shower and played familiar baby shower games and watched a close friend open presents that we had piled around her, i felt very lucky to be one of this tribe of women. we have set in place certain traditions that actually formalize how genuinely joyful we feel for each other, whether we are mothers already or soon-to-be.

becoming home

it's been two weeks since we moved to the new place, and i still find everything to feel very new. i'm definitely establishing a routine in this house, but i haven't yet gotten to the point where i take it for granted. i still notice the flow from one room to another; i still think about where things should go and how each room looks. however i think this transitional stage is a really nice one, in which taher and i appreciate the space so much more than we ever will again. and pretty soon we'll just take it for granted that this is our home, and stop noticing it.

in the meantime, the people we know are definitely helping us make this place a home. taher threw me a surprise bday party last night, and put a lot of work into making everything go perfectly. and having our friends and family sitting on every surface and in every corner, having familiar faces fill all the spaces of this house at one time, was a wonderful feeling.

i know why they call them housewarming parties now. certainly, the house took on a new level of home to me, having people fill it like that. the very day we moved in, we had friends over, and even that night i felt like this could be home much more quickly if people kept filling it like this. last night was an extension of that feeling.

thanks, everyone, for coming over. thanks, taher, for pretty much everything :) and hey, everyone, drop in anytime!

hotmail revisited

recently i switched email addresses, and in the last few days i have been going through my old account and reading old emails. the ones i really loved i have saved on my hard drive.

reading these old emails was a lovely experience- i normally only save the ones that mean something to me, and thus going through the folders i found one letter after another that made me realize, again, that i have some really wonderful people in my life. i had this previous email account for ten years and thus with certain people i could actually see an evolution in our relationship. i saw the difference between the first emails that flew between us and compared them to the ones that were just sent last week. i found a growing familiarity; it felt great to have proof that that does happen.

i found songs that taher had written for me. i found conversations that dipped deep and skimmed shallow. quick one-liners from various roommates. declarations of feelings. baby announcements.

i found an email from the day saifuddin first said "mama" to farida. that is an awesome email. i found emails from meryam and angie right after my wedding and the words they used brought me real, unadulterated joy. i found emails from my dad and my brother and my aunt telling me to keep writing about my experiences in egypt; in their own ways, they told me they loved to read what i wrote. what better motivation is there than knowing your family is proud of you?

i was in cairo when 9/11 happened and i received outpourings of concern from friends and family. was i okay? was i affected? what was going on where i was? i was in thailand when the tsunami hit and i received more outpourings of concern from friends and family. ok? affected? what was going on? i kept these emails; they are a reminder of how genuinely people reach out towards one another.

i learn yet again: i have what i need.